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He is a manipulator of words, will not communicate with me about feelings, is not open to companionship. Remember, only when we know intrinsically that we have value to be loved, can we give love cleanly.

Rogers, edited by Howard Kirschenbaum and Valerie Land Henderson 9 Quotes on Unconditional Positive Regard Clearly, unconditional positive regard is a vital concept, not only in therapy but also in other helping professions and in parenting. Unconditional love is not affected by reality or harmful behaviors. I think everyone knows that these promises, also, are conditional.

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Love comes in many forms and involves a varying degree of commitment. Probably, the most unequivocal love is that which a mother feels for a newborn child. That feeling is a biological imperative. Mothers do not simply walk away from their children. In fact, there are laws commanding a mother to take care of her child. But even that love has limits. In ancient times, in certain cultures, a child who was born deformed was left out in the wilderness to die. It is thought that in prehistoric times a child who was born in the midst of a famine to a family that already had too many mouths to feed would also be condemned to death. But no one knows for sure. Sometimes, even in this day and age, a severely mentally retarded child will be sent to an institution rather than kept at home. Sometimes there is no alternative. It is easy to imagine risking their lives to extract their children from a burning building or from a flooded river. Parents often work at jobs that threaten their and well-being so that their child may thrive. In later adolescence, however, children reach a level of autonomy where sometimes, rarely, a young boy or girl behaves so badly, so destructively to other members of the family, that the family is driven to expelling him or her. An example of this sort of behavior is the young man who steals from parents to obtain , or who is violent to a or even to a parent. Invariably, in those unhappy circumstances parents engage in increasingly desperate attempts to save that adolescent from himself. All sorts of treatment have been contrived to deal with recalcitrant youths. These include , and ultimately jail. If nothing works, the family in final desperation will make him leave. Some parents despair quicker than others, but there is a point beyond which even the most committed parent cannot go. Parents have a responsibility to other children and to themselves. No such parent commands his or her child to leave the home, though, without feeling. When a child reaches the age when he or she might be expected to leave home to go to college or to work, parents are usually still willing to help, but that help may be conditional. The young person is expected to conform to certain standards of behavior in order for the parent to offer financial or emotional support. Living at home is dependent on a willingness to go to school or to work. Different parents feel a varying degree of responsibility for their sons and daughters at this point. Some parents will refuse to pay for college or graduate school no matter how serious their children are. On the other hand, some parents are prepared to help their children no matter how old they get. Even then, certain unspoken—or spoken—conditions may have to be met. Relationships with a grown child have a much more tentative quality; and it is not rare to see parents and children alienated from each other. The phrase unconditional love is usually mentioned in other contexts where love is never unconditional. When they first meet, no such commitment is felt. Many things can interfere with their relationship. Each will continue to be with the other only if a number of conditions are met. These include: fidelity, respect, a pleasant demeanor and, after a while, a certain level of sexual competence. But at this early stage, very many deficiencies seem sufficient to stop them seeing each other. Tardiness, for instance, may seem too much to put up with. The unspoken rule at this stage is that each person is expected to engage in a continuing attempt to please the other person. Otherwise, the neglected man or woman will find someone else. If there is love, it is definitely conditional upon each person following that rule. But there comes a time when a proposal of marriage is made and accepted. And then the commitment becomes more serious. Promises are made at the wedding. I think everyone knows that these promises, also, are conditional. They range from how often the couple will engage in sexual relations to who picks out the drapes. In fact, most couples who marry understand that obedience is interpreted to mean a reasonable concern for what the other thinks. If one or the other becomes autocratic, that marriage is likely to end. Spending too much time out of the house may well be very annoying, but will not by itself lead to the dissolution of the marriage. Each will be more inclined to indulge the weaknesses of the other than he or she would have been when they were first. A familiar story is of a which follows mental and physical , or repeated infidelities, or willful and persistent absence from the home. The rules governing a loving relationship may be a few, but the ways a marriage can be violated are very many. A casual reading of divorce proceedings will give a better idea of exactly what is tolerable and what is not. But extreme poverty that happens unpredictably can cause severe strain to the marriage which may bring in its wake arguments and other strains which drive the couple apart. Two people, both working two jobs, grow to be unaccepting of each other and intolerant. During a courtship period a couple may break apart because one of them has spent time in a mental hospital, or, for that matter, any sort of hospital. I know of a couple that broke apart after the young man suffered a injury and developed a severe form of Parkinsonism. The woman felt guilty, but was unwilling to sign on to a lifetime of nursing her husband. Once a marriage has taken place, a greater tolerance is expected by a husband or wife to the other becoming seriously ill. But even then, there seem to be limits. The marriages of bipolar patients end in divorce about 95% of the time. Living with a manic spouse means dealing with constant conflict. Other severe illnesses may cause other devastating problems. I knew a woman who left her husband when he developed a form of muscular dystrophy. She attributed her leaving him to problems predating his illness, but the prospect of his slowly becoming invalided and dying within a few years complicated everything and seemed too much to bear. Once the marriage has lasted for years, it is rare, I think, for illness to lead to the dissolution of the marriage. Elderly couples expect to have to deal with their spouse becoming someday hopelessly ill. For some such men and women, a more or less conditional love is very conditional. Even between the most loving couples, though, it becomes necessary sometimes to put a violent and demented spouse into a nursing home or into some other institution. The truth is, I think, that no love is entirely unconditional. Infants are shaken to death sometimes because a parent cannot put up with its crying. Couples who could not have imagined breaking apart find that dealing with a disabled child puts a tremendous and unexpected strain on their relationship; and often that marriage will not survive. Very few people enter into a marriage expecting to be unfaithful, but such things happen; and repeated infidelities usually drive away the most committed spouse. I think all of this goes without saying. There are certain deficiencies that are intolerable. It is unromantic to say so out loud, but that is the way it is. Some who enter into a marriage thinking that they are not capable of being disloyal, of giving up in the face of trouble and disharmony, find to their surprise that they may arrive at a point where there is no alternative to separating. Somehow, I think it is better for such a person to have recognized all long that there are limitations to what people can endure. There are few saints. Being realistic has some advantages. It allows someone to recognize trouble before it has become unfixable and unendurable. And to prepare for it. And, in the event an unconditional love is seen to be conditional after all, the individual who walks away will feel less guilty and less of a failure. Neuman's blog at or ask advice at What if you married a person and did not know a truth about them, because it was hidden from you AND once married, down the road, you learned of this truth and it drove a wedge in your marriage? I feel deceived by my husband of 16. I have lived a very tough road with this man. WE conceived a child within 8 months of our courtship, married quickly, before our son was born. When our son was 6 months or so, we began to socialize with friends. My husband and his friends were all marijuana smokers. I am not, never have, and never will be. I just don't like it and don't judge those who do. I was a drinker and gave that part of my life up, to have a family. After the socializing began, I started smelling it at home, and his friends would come over, and that was the recreation of choice. His friends and lifestyle came before me, or family. He wanted a 2nd child and seemed to want the family lifestyle. We had a daughter, who was born with a disability. Life was different and challenging and my husband went back to his old habits. I had no where to go, so I just focused on working and raising my kids. When our daughter was 5 years old, my husband had an injury, which resulted in neck fusion surgery, loss of job, and no work for 4 years. This almost killed me keeping a roof over our heads, raising kids and working. So how much really one can take, is up to them. I have taken a lot from this man, and am still married. I did move back to my home state to have the support of my family, he followed. He is a manipulator of words, will not communicate with me about feelings, is not open to companionship. So, why do I not get divorced. He has thrown at me several times that I am to love him unconditionally, no matter how he has changed in life, or no matter what he has done, said or acted towards me. I have been divorced before and never wanted to lose another marriage, but it seems there is nothing here for me. My kids are almost grown now. I live life for me, but have to put up with his words, behavior, etc. Years later, and never giving up his smoke, he is moody and inconsistent in behavior. The truth of my story, had I known in the beginning that this man was a daily pot smoker, I would not have signed up for this type of marriage. So how can unconditional love apply, when I was deceived in the beginning? If he's harassing you and you no longer want to be married to him, get a restraining order and again... I don't understand why you're on the fence about this. It's really that simple. You'll only continue to be miserable if you stay with this person. You're only taking the bandage of slowly if you remain on the fence. That's probably why there have been such a high percentage of divorces. Who'd have seen that coming? People going into it with unrealistic expectations, like hooking your life to this person who is totally different from you, who has neuroses of his or her own, and baggage, who is going to drop all that just to spend their entire lives trying to make you happy? On top of that, then, life expectancy has doubled so you don't even have a good chance of waiting it out. People marry or commit for a lot of different reasons. Some seek financial security, some social status, some seek companionship, some want to be the boss over someone else, and some want to be bossed. Some women just want to take another woman's man away so they can feel oh-so-special. Many marry out of fear of growing old, and dying, alone. And then there's just plain lust. But the bald faced facts remain: marriage is nothing but when two very different and very imperfect people decide to crawl into this little leaky rowboat and head out into the perfect storm on the ocean of life. You just simply decide to stick together, no matter what. You put up with his quirks and transgressions, and he puts up with yours. You're no prize, either, you know. You go through many bad times, some good times, and some hair-raising horrible times. But you hang in there and never drop your oar. That is what life is. You either face it together or you face it alone. It's much better to hang in there, but people don't know that. They don't even begin to get it until they've been married around 20 years. A lot of people nowadays go into marriage totally wrong-headed. They prepare for the party, have no intention on doing the real work of life, then are ready to bail when life hands them a few live hand grenades. People nowadays are such wusses. No guts at all. Put in 49 years, then write an article. Love, Ana, married 49 years.

The four techniques listed below can help get you started. A social worker who accepts this about their clients will find that their clients are more open to discussion and more apt to accept themselves as they are, believe that positive change is possible, and commit to making such changes. The consequence is that we need to be in a relationship with God who elements know how. The Sun 2016 She was unconditional and a set for. A love impervious to approval or disapproval. According toIshq means to serve God unconditionally by devoting one's entire life to Him and asking no reward in return. Just like the therapist, the social difference does not need to accept and approve of every behavior the client displays; instead, he or she should focus on accepting that the client is a self-directed individual with free will and their own unique wants and needs. Copyright 2013 - The Daily Positive All Rights Reserved DISCLAIMER: This site is not limbo to provide, and does not constitute, mental health, medical, legal, financial or other Professional Advice. LOVE UNCONVENTIONAL Letting a child continue in a self-destructive pattern is not love at all, it is hate. People going into it with unrealistic expectations, like hooking your life to this person who is solo different from you, who has neuroses of his or her own, and baggage, who is going to drop all that just to spend their entire lives trying to make you happy. Social workers will often work with clients who are at a low point in their lives. While there unconditional love definition and examples undoubtedly still much to be discovered, psychologists have been able to define at least one vital technique for helping our clients and our children be the best versions of themselves: unconditional positive regard.